After A While…

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(source: kelogsloops)

I have been MIA for a while and I thought I should revive this small space on the Internet to give you some kind of an update. I have been juggling life and responsibilities, I was sick for two weeks and now, my mental health isn’t looking as good either. These past few weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotions and between depression and slight anxiety, I went through some changes in my life.

First was the change of my therapist. She got pregnant (funnily enough, since my psychiatrist is also on a maternity leave) and I transferred to a CBT instead. This has been a great source of progress I made in my therapy overall. The exercises we do help me with my self-harming tendencies, with my screwed up sleeping pattern that is not normal for past six years, mind you, and I only had two sessions with her. I can’t wait until we get into the deep stuff. So far, I am not only doing better, but I am making steps to changing my living which is proving to be immensely beneficial.

The downside is, that for the past month, my depression got worse. I was supposed to go to the mental hospital again, but I was very against it and specifically told my new psychiatrist I want to try more CBT before such drastic measures. Now, I am not so sure. I think there may be no other way than upping the dosage of antidepressants again or the ever looming possibility of ECT. I am scared I won’t be able to study for my upcoming entrance exams and that all of this is spiraling into something bigger.

I always thought of summer as my critical period of the year, so this spring sadness has taken me by surprise. I fear the fact that this state will continue for the half of the year if I won’t do something about it. I already got prescribed Neurol for my anxiety/fear induced self-harm, but I need to take triple the dosage for it to work properly. And keep my charts which help me with automatic negative thinking. My therapist called it a “thought trial” and it is an interesting idea, yet writing everything down every time is rather burdensome. However, if it helps, I rather do this than put out cigarettes on my wrists again.

Needless to say, I am missing out on life nonetheless. For example, this week I had two outings, one family gathering which was a celebration of my uncle’s birthday, and today I was supposed to go for a walk with an elementary school friend. Both I refused to attend. I am just so tired, so lethargic, too out of it to do anything. I am painting for past three days and it proves to be therapeutic and makes me feel like I am at least somehow productive, but the heavier tasks on my to-do list keep getting pushed and pushed. I need to study, I need to complete my reading list for oral exams, all of that. I wonder if a week or two at the hospital would make me want to look into that more.

Another thing is work. I am not focused, I keep making silly mistakes, I hate myself for that. I am just so fed up with work dramas and constantly being reminded how not up to par my work is that I honestly consider quitting. On the other hand, I know that when I do that, it will come and bite me in the ass. I can’t run away from responsibilities and work forever. Even though my psychiatrist suggested reconsidering my working status, I still feel like if I quit now, I will be a quitter forever. On the other hand, it is true that I deal with problems in an unhealthy way and I may not be ready for work. I just… can’t do things right no matter how hard I try. I am sorry this sounds so depressing, but it is the truth. I make too many mistakes to be considered a good employee. On the other hand, I get praised a lot. Man, but it doesn’t make the mistakes vanish. It’s like I am on a scale and it leans both ways regularly and I don’t know what to decide.

I think I am going to be hospitalized, though. I just can’t function this way. Maybe I will decide what to do about my working status at the hospital. Maybe that will get it out of my system. I just need to break the news to the boss. She will be overjoyed.

Not to mention, I have 2 months to study for exams. Talk about being stressed. I feel like my head is being drilled into a mesh. Wow, this post is so not uplifting.

On the brighter side, I think I am going to continue with the book challenge I started in February and write more posts. I even started writing on regular. My bad mood has worked wonders for my creative outlet. Writing, drawing, you name it, all the art therapy things are working on me. It just so happens I need to do other things instead.

Anywho, I hope you are having a great day and that you are soaking up spring sun. It surely is too lovely outside not to enjoy a walk or a trip.

Kisses kitten!

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